*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot