Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.