A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Morning.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.