Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
sir, my pâté if you please
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
the battle rages on
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”