Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind