who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
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ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
🍞🦆
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
#Caturday
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really