@TheGladStork: Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
@TheGladStork: Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.
@TheGladStork: Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
@TheGladStork: Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
@TheGladStork: Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you're not telling me?
@TheGladStork: "Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
@TheGladStork: When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
@TheGladStork: Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
@TheGladStork: I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".