Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
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Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing