My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I am having an out of money experience.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
For the ones in the back.
Lmaoo 😂
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble