If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I love the National Park Service.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game