Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@TheHyyyype : MOM: your friends smoke weed so now u do?
MOM: if they jumped off a bridge, would u jump too?
ME: guess it depends how high i was
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
@TheHyyyype: a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
@TheHyyyype: i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
@TheHyyyype: WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we'll just eat it right here
@TheHyyyype: [i'm on the ship's deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that's not what i meant by "walk the plank"
@TheHyyyype: [first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
@TheHyyyype: WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what's on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
@TheHyyyype: [philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
@TheHyyyype: [first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy's over there