Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : [reading crime and punishment] me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there'll be a punishm- [ten pages later] me: you're not gonna believe this

@TheHyyyype: [on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he's got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don't impwessa me much

@TheHyyyype: me: what aisle are your dinner cereals in?

supermarket clerk: please leave

@TheHyyyype: anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it's like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

@TheHyyyype: astronaut: we made it. we're finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

@TheHyyyype: card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

@TheHyyyype: website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother's maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

@TheHyyyype: son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

@TheHyyyype: me: *pounding on son's locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn't, you have a mortgage so it's the bank's house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn't have gotten him those personal finance books

@TheHyyyype: [elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it's the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you're late