Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it's like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

@TheHyyyype: astronaut: we made it. we're finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

@TheHyyyype: card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

@TheHyyyype: website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother's maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

@TheHyyyype: son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

@TheHyyyype: me: *pounding on son's locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn't, you have a mortgage so it's the bank's house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn't have gotten him those personal finance books

@TheHyyyype: [elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it's the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you're late

@TheHyyyype: mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

@TheHyyyype: waiter: i'm sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

@TheHyyyype: friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you're gonna need a bottle opener