Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids me: they have sex 3 times

@TheHyyyype: me: time to hit the hay

wife: you're going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

@TheHyyyype: [watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

@TheHyyyype: [criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor's entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

@TheHyyyype: the concept of modeling is insane to me. "buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob"

@TheHyyyype: hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i've known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

@TheHyyyype: [being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

@TheHyyyype: [first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i'm a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

@TheHyyyype: MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don't remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

@TheHyyyype: FRIEND: it's all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can't believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg