@TheHyyyype: [first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don't think-
me: tae swan do
@TheHyyyype: friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
@TheHyyyype: wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don't have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
@TheHyyyype: me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
@TheHyyyype: [i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i'm 28, i've been out drinking literally hundreds of times
@TheHyyyype: [after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you're going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
@TheHyyyype: we live in a society where it's perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
@TheHyyyype: superman villains:
darkseid - galactic conqueror
doomsday - indestructible killing machine
the joker - tells little jokes
the riddler - poses little riddles
the penguin - is a penguin