Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : [texting] me: touching my duck n thinking of you her: gross, go to hell me: *patting my duck's head* don't worry quack sparrow, she didn't mean it

@TheHyyyype: me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you're raphael now

@TheHyyyype: [first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don't think-

me: tae swan do

@TheHyyyype: friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

@TheHyyyype: wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don't have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

@TheHyyyype: me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

@TheHyyyype: [i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i'm 28, i've been out drinking literally hundreds of times

@TheHyyyype: [after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you're going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

@TheHyyyype: we live in a society where it's perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

@TheHyyyype: superman villains:

darkseid - galactic conqueror
doomsday - indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker - tells little jokes
the riddler - poses little riddles
the penguin - is a penguin