Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

@TheHyyyype: [at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

"but i don't want my stuff stolen"

*covers it with towel*

"ok now it's safe"

@TheHyyyype: When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they're unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

@TheHyyyype: ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

@TheHyyyype: [commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we've got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

@TheHyyyype: [knock on door]

JEHOVAH'S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

@TheHyyyype: [god creating elephant]

"overfeed that aardvark"

@TheHyyyype: *aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn't pay for*

@TheHyyyype: MOM: your friends smoke weed so now u do?

ME: uh-

MOM: if they jumped off a bridge, would u jump too?

ME: guess it depends how high i was

@TheHyyyype: WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit