Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : [first day as a detective] ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left! OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy's over there

@TheHyyyype: ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that's amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that's how we made the baby...

@TheHyyyype: Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

@TheHyyyype: MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn't asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were

@TheHyyyype: ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

@TheHyyyype: If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.

@TheHyyyype: [first date]

HER: i'm really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

@TheHyyyype: My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

@TheHyyyype: CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here's a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

@TheHyyyype: [first date]

HER: I'm really into guys with ambitions

ME: *trying to impress her* that's perfect, I have two frogs