@TheHyyyype: WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head's too small it's not working
@TheHyyyype: [picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
ME: yes, but the parents haven't realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
@TheHyyyype: [after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there's gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
@TheHyyyype: ME: mom we're out of eggs again!
MOM: it's ok, there's cereal
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor's house* this sucks
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn't even know you were in med school
@TheHyyyype: PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles "how to fix water"*
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
@TheHyyyype: [my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here's every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
@TheHyyyype: ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don't believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they're all real