Funny Tweeter

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Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : "hush little baby" is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

@TheHyyyype: WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head's too small it's not working

@TheHyyyype: [picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven't realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

@TheHyyyype: [after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there's gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

@TheHyyyype: ME: mom we're out of eggs again!

MOM: it's ok, there's cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor's house* this sucks

@TheHyyyype: WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn't even know you were in med school

@TheHyyyype: PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles "how to fix water"*

@TheHyyyype: [driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

@TheHyyyype: [my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here's every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

@TheHyyyype: ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don't believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they're all real