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Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

@TheHyyyype: [creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

@TheHyyyype: math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i'll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don't- is that going to be enough

@TheHyyyype: law professor: you're currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

@TheHyyyype: [first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry...autobots, roll out

@TheHyyyype: [first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don't know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

@TheHyyyype: wife: let's make pizza tonight

me: awesome, i'll go buy some oregano

[later]

wife: what's wrong?

me: damn kids sold me weed again

@TheHyyyype: angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can't move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they'll eat the sun

@TheHyyyype: mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that's called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was

@TheHyyyype: jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i'll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same