@TheHyyyype: [at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
"but i don't want my stuff stolen"
*covers it with towel*
"ok now it's safe"
@TheHyyyype: When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they're unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
@TheHyyyype: ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
@TheHyyyype: [commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we've got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
@TheHyyyype: [knock on door]
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
@TheHyyyype: *aliens come to earth to steal our water*
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn't pay for*
@TheHyyyype: MOM: your friends smoke weed so now u do?
MOM: if they jumped off a bridge, would u jump too?
ME: guess it depends how high i was
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit