This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
christening a ship with an overripe banana