You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Most fashion shows these days…
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.