Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
You Might Also Like
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Dear Lord..
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*