Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Check out the legs on this baby
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.