was Jim off killing horses or…
You Might Also Like
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Haha good job!!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others