A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.