there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.