I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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Me: Same
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.