Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

Page of TheMichaelRock's best tweets

@TheMichaelRock : *wife notices the books all over the floor* FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S NO SECRET PASSAGE!

@TheMichaelRock: *notices person behind me won't let people merge*

*slows down and lets 12 people merge in front of me*

@TheMichaelRock: Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.

@TheMichaelRock: You've made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.

@TheMichaelRock: Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station

@TheMichaelRock: 8yo: can you tell me a story?

Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.

8yo: WHAT?!

Me: goodnight, buddy.

@TheMichaelRock: boss: are you high?

me: no, i'm on dayquil

boss: dayquil doesn't do that

me: must be the cocaine then

@TheMichaelRock: Someone called me stupid and then blocked me before I even had a chance to agree with them.

@TheMichaelRock: Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.