Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
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This kid will have a bright future.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.