Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheMichaelRock's best tweets

@TheMichaelRock : Brb, I'm gonna go pet that dog. - me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse

@TheMichaelRock: [trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad

@TheMichaelRock: [guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they're razor blades, but they're delicious.

@TheMichaelRock: Wife: I better see a diamond this Mother's Day

Me: say no more *buys baseball tickets*

@TheMichaelRock: Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.

@TheMichaelRock: *wife notices the books all over the floor*

FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S NO SECRET PASSAGE!

@TheMichaelRock: *notices person behind me won't let people merge*

*slows down and lets 12 people merge in front of me*

@TheMichaelRock: Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.

@TheMichaelRock: You've made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.

@TheMichaelRock: Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station