@TheMichaelRock: People like to make fun of my fanny pack until they need a napkin or a chicken nugget.
@TheMichaelRock: Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.
@TheMichaelRock: Day 2 of the government shutdown: we’re hunting for food in a national park. Ripped mattress tags are everywhere. It’s total chaos.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?
Me: does your mustache keep you warm?
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA
@TheMichaelRock: An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.