Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheMichaelRock's best tweets

@TheMichaelRock : When I'm a ghost, I'm just gonna go around unplugging phones while people sleep.

@TheMichaelRock: If half-empty water bottles were currency, I'd be rich af.

@TheMichaelRock: Me *wakes up from nap*

Wife: what are you doing up?

Me: was I not supposed to wake up?

Wife[nervous laugh] what?

@TheMichaelRock: [inventor of public restrooms]

What if people were close enough to hold hands while they poop?

@TheMichaelRock: I still can't believe someone was hungry enough to try kale.

@TheMichaelRock: [first date]

me: so what do you do for a living?

her: I study foreign languages

me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry

@TheMichaelRock: Wife: were you even listening to me?

Me: no

Wife: then what did I just s...wait, what?

Me: I said no

Wife: I'm not sure what to do now

@TheMichaelRock: Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.

@TheMichaelRock: If you're bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.

@TheMichaelRock: Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?