@TheMichaelRock: Me *wakes up from nap*
Wife: what are you doing up?
Me: was I not supposed to wake up?
Wife[nervous laugh] what?
@TheMichaelRock: [inventor of public restrooms]
What if people were close enough to hold hands while they poop?
@TheMichaelRock: [first date]
me: so what do you do for a living?
her: I study foreign languages
me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: were you even listening to me?
Wife: then what did I just s...wait, what?
Me: I said no
Wife: I'm not sure what to do now
@TheMichaelRock: Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.
@TheMichaelRock: If you're bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.
@TheMichaelRock: Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?