@TheMichaelRock: Day 2 of the government shutdown: we’re hunting for food in a national park. Ripped mattress tags are everywhere. It’s total chaos.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?
Me: does your mustache keep you warm?
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA
@TheMichaelRock: An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
@TheMichaelRock: It's not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.
@TheMichaelRock: The person who named Hors d'oeuvres should not be allowed to name anything else.
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: what are you doing?
Son: I’m in timeout
Wife: did you make fun of Taylor Swift again?
Me[from the other room] YES HE DID
@TheMichaelRock: *someone playing a harmonica*
Me: I have no idea if he’s good at this or not.