@TheMichaelRock: The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
@TheMichaelRock: I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.
@TheMichaelRock: The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
@TheMichaelRock: 8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?
Me: that's purely speculation
@TheMichaelRock: My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.
@TheMichaelRock: My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can't remember to flush the toilet.
@TheMichaelRock: I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
@TheMichaelRock: It's difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.
@TheMichaelRock: I'm sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.