@TheMichaelRock: [trying to be the cool dad]
me: what is up lit fam
15yo: dad, please stop
me: what are the goals of your squad
@TheMichaelRock: [guy inventing Captain Crunch]
Hear me out, they're razor blades, but they're delicious.
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: I better see a diamond this Mother's Day
Me: say no more *buys baseball tickets*
@TheMichaelRock: Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.
@TheMichaelRock: *wife notices the books all over the floor*
FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S NO SECRET PASSAGE!
@TheMichaelRock: *notices person behind me won't let people merge*
*slows down and lets 12 people merge in front of me*
@TheMichaelRock: Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.
@TheMichaelRock: You've made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.
@TheMichaelRock: Her: ID please
Me: my beard is almost white
Her: still need it
Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station