Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheNardvark's best tweets

@TheNardvark : When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

@TheNardvark: Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

@TheNardvark: "Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?"

*unbuttons pants*

"Not anymore!"

@TheNardvark: I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as "all of it."

@TheNardvark: Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@TheNardvark: Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga's wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that's the dress code.

@TheNardvark: The movie Scarface taught us that abusing cocaine can lead to making bad decisions--for example: the script, the soundtrack, and the acting.

@TheNardvark: If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."

@TheNardvark: Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

@TheNardvark: There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.