Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
damn he’s good
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?