Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.