Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”