Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?