Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice