Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
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My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I forgot how to panic. Help
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?