Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
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I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.