the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.