He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.