[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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This made me chuckle.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it