my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My dad teaching me to drive
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.