Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheRolo's best tweets

@TheRolo : Her: Why did you text me "High Fructose Corn Syrup?" Me: I think you're sweet... Her: ...Awwww... Me: ...and will eventually kill me.

@TheRolo: Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we're ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

@TheRolo: Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

@TheRolo: FBI: "Report anything that seems suspicious"

Citizens: "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams"

FBI: "K like not anything anything"

@TheRolo: [Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?

@TheRolo: Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

@TheRolo: You guys talk about sex like it's so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

@TheRolo: [Updates Christian Mingle bio]
"Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first"

"You have 999 new matches"

@TheRolo: Juliet: you know it's true love, when you finish each other's-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

@TheRolo: How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?