@TheRolo: I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
"Don't you mean grammar mistakes?"
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
@TheRolo: Her: Why did you text me "High Fructose Corn Syrup?"
Me: I think you're sweet...
Me: ...and will eventually kill me.
@TheRolo: Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we're ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
@TheRolo: Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
@TheRolo: FBI: "Report anything that seems suspicious"
Citizens: "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams"
FBI: "K like not anything anything"
@TheRolo: [Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?
@TheRolo: Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
@TheRolo: You guys talk about sex like it's so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
@TheRolo: [Updates Christian Mingle bio]
"Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first"
"You have 999 new matches"