@TheRolo: [Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?
@TheRolo: Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
@TheRolo: You guys talk about sex like it's so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
@TheRolo: [Updates Christian Mingle bio]
"Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first"
"You have 999 new matches"
@TheRolo: Juliet: you know it's true love, when you finish each other's-
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
@TheRolo: Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
@TheRolo: *Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
@TheRolo: Table for six please?
"Is your party coming soon or?"
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I'm going to need booster seats