Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheRolo's best tweets

@TheRolo : Me: You're a cat person aren't you? Her: [Completely ignores me] Me: Knew it!

@TheRolo: "Dad this is serious I'm in jail"

Hi serious this is dad

"Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!"

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

@TheRolo: *Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

@TheRolo: I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

"Don't you mean grammar mistakes?"

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

@TheRolo: Her: Why did you text me "High Fructose Corn Syrup?"

Me: I think you're sweet...

Her: ...Awwww...

Me: ...and will eventually kill me.

@TheRolo: Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we're ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

@TheRolo: Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

@TheRolo: FBI: "Report anything that seems suspicious"

Citizens: "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams"

FBI: "K like not anything anything"

@TheRolo: [Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?

@TheRolo: Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!