Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheRolo's best tweets

@TheRolo : [Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?

@TheRolo: Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

@TheRolo: You guys talk about sex like it's so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

@TheRolo: [Updates Christian Mingle bio]
"Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first"

"You have 999 new matches"

@TheRolo: Juliet: you know it's true love, when you finish each other's-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

@TheRolo: How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

@TheRolo: Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

@TheRolo: *Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

@TheRolo: Table for six please?

"Is your party coming soon or?"

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I'm going to need booster seats

@TheRolo: My friend uses 'supossebly' and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.