Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
You Might Also Like
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON