If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids