In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls