[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss