my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?