Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheToddWilliams's best tweets

@TheToddWilliams : [Ferrari dealership] ME: How much for this red one? SALESMAN: Oh, that'll cost you a pretty penny ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick* SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

@TheToddWilliams: [cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven't slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

@TheToddWilliams: [archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don't think we'll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let's just give it a shot

@TheToddWilliams: [job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can't you see me?

@TheToddWilliams: GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I'm a quarterback with wings

@TheToddWilliams: The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

@TheToddWilliams: HOST: Welcome to "Die or Get Killed" the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

@TheToddWilliams: [post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven't seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let's grab a different one

@TheToddWilliams: [Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

@TheToddWilliams: [house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?...a beer?...vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh...do you mean like a joint?