Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheToddWilliams's best tweets

@TheToddWilliams : [Sherwood Forest] LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich… LITTLE JOHN: Right ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that? LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

@TheToddWilliams: [office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

@TheToddWilliams: [calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you've had a stomach flu...How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I'm a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that's for sure

@TheToddWilliams: SON: What're you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That's it!!

@TheToddWilliams: [Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the "Badman" equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

@TheToddWilliams: ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You're not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I'll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

@TheToddWilliams: [grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I'm sorry...that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens "on accident"

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying...

ME: Yes, the term is actually "by accident"

@TheToddWilliams: Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

@TheToddWilliams: KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind