Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheToddWilliams's best tweets

@TheToddWilliams : [wine and cheese] HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine? 370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We'll start with the cheese thanks

@TheToddWilliams: [sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

@TheToddWilliams: ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems...

PAL: Please don't

ME: ...counterproductive

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That's very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

@TheToddWilliams: [farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He's taking it pretty hard... but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

@TheToddWilliams: SCROOGE: Oh great spirit...why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

@TheToddWilliams: HER: I think we should break up

ME: But...why?

HER: I don't know if it's your terrible puns or the fact that you don't "believe" in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

@TheToddWilliams: [describing criminal]
"Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?"
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I've been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn't eat it

@TheToddWilliams: [Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story