Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheToddWilliams's best tweets

@TheToddWilliams : [job interview] BOSS: We're looking for a real people person ME: Well I'm definitely a human

@TheToddWilliams: MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

@TheToddWilliams: TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I'd get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn't multiple choice

@TheToddWilliams: BOSS: You're late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We're lucky to even be here you know

@TheToddWilliams: EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what's op with you?

@TheToddWilliams: [sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

@TheToddWilliams: SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?


SCARECROW WIFE: You'd forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

@TheToddWilliams: Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

@TheToddWilliams: DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it's even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it