Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheToddWilliams's best tweets

@TheToddWilliams : EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me! SUN: whatever EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you? SUN: Physics

@TheToddWilliams: ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You're just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won't...Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

@TheToddWilliams: ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh...where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

@TheToddWilliams: ME: ...and that's what the 'sine' function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later...}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What's the 'sine' function used for?

@TheToddWilliams: COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I'm asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

@TheToddWilliams: [wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We'll start with the cheese thanks

@TheToddWilliams: [sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

@TheToddWilliams: ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems...

PAL: Please don't

ME: ...counterproductive

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That's very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers