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Page of TheToddWilliams's best tweets

@TheToddWilliams : [Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We'd like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn't he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, "Have Mercy"?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I'll allow it

@TheToddWilliams: COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?


COW: Is it because I'm a c--

COP: It's because you're a cow.

@TheToddWilliams: WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don't think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?


@TheToddWilliams: {phone call}


MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I'll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you're close

MR. TURTLE: I'm like 10 ft away

@TheToddWilliams: [creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it's physically impossible cause you're all too fat lol

BEE: ...

GOD: Ok fine I'll figure it out

@TheToddWilliams: EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

@TheToddWilliams: ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You're just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won't...Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

@TheToddWilliams: ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh...where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me


@TheToddWilliams: ME: ...and that's what the 'sine' function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later...}


MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What's the 'sine' function used for?