Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheToddWilliams's best tweets

@TheToddWilliams : [blind date] JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers HER: Oh thanks. That's very sweet JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

@TheToddWilliams: [farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He's taking it pretty hard... but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

@TheToddWilliams: SCROOGE: Oh great spirit...why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

@TheToddWilliams: HER: I think we should break up

ME: But...why?

HER: I don't know if it's your terrible puns or the fact that you don't "believe" in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

@TheToddWilliams: [describing criminal]
"Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?"
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I've been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn't eat it

@TheToddWilliams: [Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

@TheToddWilliams: [Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

"We'll call you…Frankenstein"

MONSTER: But that is your name

"Yeah, people won't make a big deal of it"

@TheToddWilliams: ALIEN: What is "January"?

ME: That's a month... named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

@TheToddWilliams: [job interview]

BOSS: We're looking for a real people person

ME: Well I'm definitely a human