Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheToddWilliams's best tweets

@TheToddWilliams : [spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is "cat" ME: ok JUDGE: incorrect

@TheToddWilliams: TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what's in a guy's heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

@TheToddWilliams: [Australia]
Husband: If you need me I'll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that's not very specific.

@TheToddWilliams: [war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing...we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

@TheToddWilliams: [dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, 'rich' from the Old English 'rīċe' meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic 'rigos' meaning "of a ruler or king"

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin 'Anglus'

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van...go on

@TheToddWilliams: [Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

@TheToddWilliams: [office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

@TheToddWilliams: [calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you've had a stomach flu...How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I'm a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that's for sure