@TheTweetOfGod: Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
@TheTweetOfGod: I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
@TheTweetOfGod: Attention: Will the owners of a blue planet with plate tectonics please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
@TheTweetOfGod: My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
@TheTweetOfGod: Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
@TheTweetOfGod: Great news! Chipotle is giving out thousands of free burritos tomorrow! That means I’ll be seeing thousands of you by this weekend!
@TheTweetOfGod: I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
@TheTweetOfGod: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they're darker than, say, beige."- Statue of Liberty.