My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.