[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
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My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*