Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheWoodenslurpy's best tweets

@TheWoodenslurpy : [commercial for gymnastics] Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

@TheWoodenslurpy: Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

@TheWoodenslurpy: You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

@TheWoodenslurpy: I'd like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

"I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby."

@TheWoodenslurpy: [at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

@TheWoodenslurpy: If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

@TheWoodenslurpy: To people calling themselves "Grammar Nazis": you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.

@TheWoodenslurpy: I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

@TheWoodenslurpy: Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

@TheWoodenslurpy: Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I'M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER