Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheWoodenslurpy's best tweets

@TheWoodenslurpy : Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie 911 Operator: No, he'd have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm. Me: Thank you! Operator: That’s what we're here for.

@TheWoodenslurpy: [approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a "Working: Do Not Pet" vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

@TheWoodenslurpy: One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

@TheWoodenslurpy: Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can't complain

@TheWoodenslurpy: *walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max... my son.

@TheWoodenslurpy: Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

@TheWoodenslurpy: [commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

@TheWoodenslurpy: Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

@TheWoodenslurpy: You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.