*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda