If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds