I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring