Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.