Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot