Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
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I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
these two trucks have the same bed length
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG